Why am I here with her alone? You would think I'm talking about my mum, but no. Not this time. I'm sorry, grandma, but this morning started with "have a cup of coffee with me" to "why are you so tired, you don't do anything..", and all of the other discouragements you like to throw in my face like how I'm not looking for a job, I don't want to go back to school, I'm letting myself go.... Thank you for reminding me of how much of a failure I am. I really don't need you to tell me. I know. I don't think I can even handle a job, and full-time school at the same time. I couldn't even handle high-school. I loved being home-schooled. You suggest online classes, but I failed every last one of them, because I need the one-on-one. You forget I'm Schizophrenic, and think it's an act. I know you're older, and don't really understand, but I'm still struggling with it, and yet--I have to act like everything is okay.  Ya, whatever.... I know you're just looking out for me, and all, but the way you say these things don't make me feel so great.

These hands...

These hands were meant to create, but all they seem to do is destroy...

I'm tired.

And, how much more could I say after that? It speaks for itself. Honestly, I am just tired again. Tired of everything. Tired of the world, and what it's (we've) become, tired of not being able to see the beauty in myself, tired of being underestimated, tired of being so small and frail, tired of never feeling the way I should, tired of never committing to something, tired of never making something happen for myself.... And, it's not like I don't want things or I don't have drive enough. Maybe it is. I have so little motivation to finish things. I don't believe I've ever finished what I started. Ever in my whole lifetime. I'm tired of it all. Only GOD can save me. But only I can make the choice to be saved..

It's been a long while, and the stress is decomposing me...

It's been 2 months since, I last posted. I've been so stress. Since around February everything has been going wrong. I still don't have the time to type it out, but this time I'll leave you with the lovely words of my friend Sabrina. We were discussing a dream, and she spoke of rain to me. :} It hadn't rained in a while. I live in the valley of California, and we rarely get rain. Amazingly, it's raining today, but this was about 2 weeks ago.

"Haa
last night i dreampt pf rain
some drops i kept under my tongue
and the rest i drank through my skin
i thought it a good place as any
to lay and rest
on the ground so clean and sterile
there was even a drain to match
it'd all be washed away when the hounds came for me at night."

This woman just uncontrollably speaks these vivid metaphors to me. I love you little miss.

Conversations with Alexander: Loving Me and My Demons Pt. II

Me: Sigh. I swear on my life I look at some people and I immediately want to fucking kill myself.

Alex: Why?

Me: I don't have to say it anymore...

Alex: Sigh.

Me: Everyone is fucking lying to me.

Alex: I'm not, baby.

Me: You're in love. Your eyes are different...

Alex: Even before I was in love...

Me: I'll text you back later...

Alex: Baby...please... Talk it out with me.

Me: I can't. I'm not thinking straight right now, because as far as I know--you're lying to me.

Alex: Baby, I'm not lying. I promise you. You are so beautiful. I promise.

Me: ...don't..

Alex: No, I do. I promise on everything. You are more than beautiful.

Me: You are...

Alex: I am what?

Me: In love.

Alex: I am in love... But still..

Me: ...

Alex: Baby, trust me.

--And, I pretty much didn't respond after that. I hope this explains it. He tries, and I respect him so much for that. He tries to help me when I'm "having an episode". I dig these holes for myself, and it's so hard to climb out. But I see him reaching out for me--his hand is extended out to me... He's pulled me out a few times. I'm scared he'll get tired of trying to help, though. I can say this so many times, but I'm glad he understands that I can't help it sometimes.

So I said I would update...

SO let's go. <--- (Watching way too much Zohan :p)..

I'll start this with my birthday, and take it one day at a time. I'll try to fit it in one post, but maybe--maybe not.

January 21, 2012 was a busy day. I don't like parties so we didn't have one. I don't like cake so we didn't do one, and the Happy Birthday song gives me panic attacks, and makes me cry. I haven't a clue as to why, but I will figure it out someday. Usually, we go out to dinner, but it was different that day. My grandmum was going on a cruise with her friend and my god-mother, whose birthday was also that day, and we had to drive out to Long Beach visit/drop my grandmum off. But in the waiting days before my birthday, my brother's ex-fiancee' called, and asked if we could make it to her kids' birthday party, which was also that day--which was also the day we had planned to see my dad, as well. I'm frustrated. I could tell how that day was going to go before it even happened, and I knew I wasn't going to be happy with it. Now, I thought we were getting off good, because his ex-fiancee' called, and said it was cancelled. The weather was predicted to be stormy that day, which I was completely fine with. I love the rain. So let's fast-forward to the day. We wake up, and get dressed. I have to wake up earlier considering I like to take my time. I was told we were supposed to leave by noon, and time passes, my grandmum calls says she's working a few more hours. We don't leave until around 3pm, which means less time at each event. We're not doing ANYTHING that I want to do aside from seeing my dad, but I had so many mixed emotions about it...you know how that goes. Anyway...

So we head out, and on the way there we decide we'd go to his ex-fiancee's first to just show up. She lived closer on the way. My god-mother lives in Long Beach, my dad lives in Compton, and his ex-fiancee lives in La Mirada. They're all fairly close to each other, but La Mirada came first so we stopped by, and said hello. We managed to convince her to have the party anyway, because when we got there it was bright and sunny. We stayed for a few more minutes, and left to head off to my god-mum's to stay a spell there, wish her a Happy Birthday, and drop my grandmum off--and after we'd go back right before we leave to meet my dad. So we get to Long Beach, grab a card and a few snacks to bring to her get-together, and arrive to her condo. The party itself is a story on it's own. Ha ha. We ended up staying for a hours, rather. While we were at the party/visiting my dad calls, and says he had planned a movie with his other daughter. I understood seeing as we were late leaving, which meant we were late to meet up with him, and no one notified him that we were late or even going to be late. He probably thought we weren't coming. So we arranged to meet after the movie, and we spent more time at my god-mum's. I have a little separation anxiety with my grandmum so I liked the fact that I got spend more time with my her before we had to leave seeing as she would be gone for 8 days.

So we leave, unfortunately. But we all got a good buzz before we left. Except for my mum who was driving. Ha ha. We made it back to his ex-fiancee's house just in time to do the cake, and we sat more than just a few hours. I'm pretty aggravated by this point. I don't mind the kids, and visiting with her. We grew up with her, and her family. We are all really close, but I now have less time with my dad, and I'm already tired. The process of going ANYWHERE with my mum/family is entirely frustrating mixed with some really funny moments. So we finally leave, and arrive in Compton. I'm not going to explain why we had to pull over, and wait for him to meet us. I will say he was having a little issue, and he didn't want me near the problem. I respect that. We met him, picked him up, and looked for a place that was open for us to go eat and talk. It was around 10pm by then, and in Compton--almost nothing is open 24 hours. What a shock? I thought where I live was bad, but I guess the city of Compton is worse. Everything closed at around 11pm. We drove around for a while, but finally we found a Fat Burger's which was open. :} I had never had Fat Burger, so of course, my fat ass said "this is the place where we shall dine as kings and queens.".. I'm a weirdo. I know. ;]

So we eat, and talk. It went well. Lots of serious conversation. It was actually very fast-paced. Well, he was. I had to give him the benefit-of-the-doubt with trying to fit a whole 20 years worth of time we've missed with each other into a little less than an hour. We headed back to his place, and sat a spell. He showed me some business ideas of his, and then we had to leave. It was getting really late, and we decided to head out before my mum was too tired to drive. That day was fairly alright. I remember the food quite well. xD So good. I can't wait to see my dad again. We've been talking on the phone since then. It's good. We're slowly catching up/getting to know each other.

Since then the weeks consisted of birthdays, and lots of them. My neighbours, and friends.   Lots of arguing between why I didn't get any gifts for my birthday, but everyone got hundreds of dollars worth of things, and a party. Even though I said I didn't want a party--it didn't mean I didn't want gifts.

This post is already an essay long. So I'll leave you with this. Shortly after all of that I began a liquid diet. I'll explain that later on. And, that's how my birthday went. :} Thanks for reading all the way--if you did.

Words free-falling from her mentality like an immortal waterfall, like stars falling from her paradise of strange, horrid beauty.
She remains contradiction in her own world.

Happy Birthday, Alexander.

I swear I will make an update post sometime later on. I have just been so busy. I don't have time to sit and think about what I'm going to post for the day. So...

Happy Birthday, my love. I miss you so much. You just left my house, and I hope you enjoyed today on our mini-date. Ha ha.

I couldn't really do much. I don't have a job, and am technically, spending my birthday money on you. I took you to the mall..well, you drove. Ha ha. We took our annual pictures, bought you your favourite pack of cigarettes, and Taco Bell--your favourite burrito. :} It's so strange to remember that I'm older than you, and although it's only by 8 days, you give me the chance to act my age. It's a blessing in my opinion. I'm a little too grown to be only 20 years old. I've never acted my age. You make me goofy, and silly, and childish. It bothers me when I think about it, but honestly, it's fun. I've never felt so...alive. How cliche'? But it is so true. I feel things with you. It's nice to feel. I'm glad you made it another year of your life. With how much you've been through--losing your mum, dealing with situations at home..you could have gotten depressed and committed suicide or went to jail. You could have not cared. I'm so proud of you, my love. I could have never met you, but I'm so grateful that I did. I'm grateful for you.

Happy Anniversary, Alexander... Well, to be exact--Anniversary of our first kiss. Who would have known it'd end up like this? It was only a kiss.. We've had a great journey these two years we've been together. I see couples breaking up every other day, and we have only broken up one time. Yet we remain strong. Thank you for staying by my side. Thank you, because "for better or for worse. In sickness and in health"...I'm glad you live up to those words. Thank you for so much. You've saved my life on many occasions. I couldn't thank you enough for all you've done for me. I would grad this on, but all I ask you to do for me now... Will you hurry up and marry me? :}! I hope you had a nice day today, my handsome. I tried, and hopefully, I can make it up to you next weekend with dinner. I love, and adore you. I'll show this to you one day. I wish I could put my feelings down better. I wish I knew how to tell you how much I love you.

May every year bring you great things, and every year bring us great things. We can only hope, right? Tee hee.

Somewhere on the dark, abysmal depth of my soul...happiness exists.
Armoured with a mentality meant to kill...I am your mighty assassin.
I will find the beauty in you only to destroy you.
Call upon my name.
Destroyer.
Whisper it to the heavens.


And to the heavens she screams "THIS IS WHERE I SHALL BE KING!"

My spirits have been down, and I've been taking it out on him... I'm so bad at this--being happy. Oh, save me... I don't want to go back in my grave..my hole...my..darkness.

And, it's my mind that scares me.
And, it's my mind that hurts me.
And, it's my mind that controls me.
And, it's my mind that takes over.
And, it's my mind that deceives me.
But, it's my heart that makes me need you.
And, my soul that makes me love you.

Suicide In the Enchanted Meadows.

I have been listening to this fairytale song for a lifetime.
Over and over I sing away my troubles but, when the song ends...
I feel so lost.
So hollow.
My colours may never show.
It's the leaves that cover here.
And, the trees...they make the oceans dry with their weeping sorrow.
I walk along this moonlit pathway of broken melodies.
I've only hurt myself.
Made of broken branches...I was the weeping willow that shared its cries in the wind.
No longer the person hanging from its withered hands.

Mi primer amor: Sandra.

I stood on a ledge, vowed eternity in hell, willing to spend every FUCKING BURNING DAY OF A THOUSAND SUNS IN HELL...JUST to love you.

And, I did. I loved you fully, completely, with my every being. We ended on such bad terms, none of which was my fault, but I let you go just to see you be happy. It hurt. I can't lie. It hurt me for years. Even when I was with another woman I couldn't be happy. All I thought of was you, although, I enjoyed my times with her, as well. But with every sorrow comes happiness--which later on in life I met Alex. I have to thank you for that. I owe you my ability to love. You showed me that I could love and be loved back when I thought I could never do it. And then he came along. Moving on from you was a journey. I couldn't talk to you, see you, or even think of you without my heart cringing in pain. But I'm glad we're on better terms now after years of hostility and avoiding you because of the pain. I found happiness again, and I'm glad you're still my best friend. You're sweet. I wish I could explain our story better, but for now I'll say--I owe you a lot. :} Thank you. Thank GOD.

Good things come to those who wait: Our Day Will Come

I'll keep it short.

Today, I watched someone else do something I've wanted to do for a while now since I met Alexander. (Get married.) I'm SO absolutely happy for them, my two close friends. I'm jealous, though. I went the whole day fighting myself with- being happy for them, jealous of them, and generally angry about not having what they have. Not that they don't deserve it, because they very much do. I just want to get married and, I need to be more patient about it. There are many factors as to why we haven't just went off, and gotten married. I want to do it right, obviously, and we need certain things we just don't have, yet... I just have to keep reminding myself that I'll have that one day, as well. I just need to be more positive, and patient about it. ...One day. :} "our day will come"... The wait will be worth it. Well, we can only hope, right? ♥

Gay with An Exception.

I'm just going to make a short post about this. Maybe I'll do a part two later on sometime. I don't really want to get into depth with this, but I feel the need to address it here, as well. I posted on Facebook a while back in December about why I am currently claiming gay, even though, I am with Alex. It's a question that gets asked a lot. There's a lot of controversy about it, and I hate to constantly have to explain it. Alex understands, and that's all that matters, but for those that are curious--this is for you.

So allow me to clear this up. Just because I'm with Alex does not necessarily mean I am straight now. I don't know what to call it exactly. I hate to have to label it, at all, because labeling love just makes it complicated. But as this applies with being "goth" I use it to try and give people a better idea or understanding. I like to say gay with an exception, but I'm really not sure how to proper address it. I fell in love unintentionally, and I'm not complaining about that, at all. I adore this man, and love him with my entire being. You can't help who you fall in love with, and I was open to that, but if I weren't with Alex, and I knew there were no chance of us getting back together-- I'd be gay again. I know it's not insulting to him. We've talked it over. And, if that changes again then no one should be surprised about it. Love comes no matter what gender. I just prefer women.

Plus--would ONE man make me bi? Really? I don't think so.

For Alexander: Restless...

Your phone went off today. I understand you can't afford it right now. I'm not upset with you, but it's not even been a full day yet, and I'm already restless without you. I mean--without being able to contact you. I have no way to do so. I'm so worried. I'm so fucking restless. I miss you. I'm lonely...

I need you. Going the day without talking to you has been a struggle. I've had two panic attacks, and cried later on. I sat alone, and cried. I just sat there. The house was quiet. My mother was asleep, the house had been cleaned, my homework was finished, and I had already made food. I had nothing else to do, really. I couldn't sleep, because I'd wake up and realize you weren't there. I tried to keep busy all day, but the second I stopped it caught up, and I started to feel that ache in my chest for you again.

The same song has been on repeat all day. All fucking day. I know it word for word, and all of the melody. I can even sing it in a different language, but it doesn't really matter. I can't share my excitement of anything with you, or talk about my troubles. I can't tell you how much I miss and love you. I can't listen to your voice, or wake up to sweet good morning texts. And, most of all, I won't be able to know if you're alright. I won't know if you're in trouble, or if something bad has happened. I can't help you if need be, and it's killing me.

So, here I am right now...staring at my computer screen with a blank face, letting my fingers type away whilst the gentle melody of this song drags me deeper into the water of my emotions, and drowns me..

I am restless. And restless I shall be until I see you or hear from you again.

Brian... Pt. II

Brian, you were my friend. My best friend, and you betrayed me. I just want you to know that you were the only person I met who mentally hurt me. You were the only one who actually could. You mentally raped me, and because my walls are never down, and you knew my every though, I felt so violated. You were taking my soul from me, and I couldn't stand it. I needed to get rid of you, and didn't know how. We weren't dating. I never had any interest in you like that, or any man, considering the fact that I am gay. ..Somehow you managed to slither your wicked grasp onto my thoughts, and when you did I had never felt so weak, so violated, so much like nothing, so small before in my life. I had no peace, no privacy. I was being watched. My thought was yours, your thoughts were mine, and you were taking control of me. I didn't want that. I didn't ask for it. I didn't need it. You raped me, in a sense, and now I'm traumatized. How dare you when you knew how much trauma I had been through already? Finally, you went away, and I had some sort of peace. Even though I could still feel your presence in my mind, I had some sort of peace. And, I hope we never cross paths again... ever.

Conversations with Alexander: Loving Me and My Demons

Me: Sigh. :c
Alex: What, babe?
Me: I'll never be what she is, and I haven't learned how to accept that.
Alex: Who?
Me: Whatever female I compare myself to for the day.
Alex: Sigh.
Me: ..sigh.
Alex: Why sigh?
Me: I'll never be happy with myself like that.
Alex: This is very true.
Me: I just don't know how to accept that...I don't know if I ever will sometimes.

The conversation gets deeper than that, but I don't feel like going back into that...Regardless, I need to learn how to better appreciate how much he tries to help me through my little battles with myself, at times. I don't give him enough credit sometimes. He's helping me, even though, he doesn't fully understand the depth of my mental illnesses/depression. I love and adore you, Alexander. You stay by my side no matter how frustrated you get. You try and stay calm with me at all times, and I need that. I need that nourishment for my soul. :} Thank you, again.

The New Year so far... Pt. II: I Found My Biological Father On Facebook.

Well, hello. I have so much to update on. Best off, Happy late new year. I got to bring it in with Alexander and my family. Even though he couldn't stay long, it was nice, and I finally got that New Year's Kiss. Not so intensely, though, seeing as I'm a little strict on public displays of affection. Well, the new year has not done me wrong..yet. Although I didn't accomplish all I wanted to accomplish--I'm still grateful for what I've overcome. I don't quite have a new life, yet. But, I've come far from the old one. Alex and I made it year 2, I got a new pair of boots, I'm almost done with school, my birthday is approaching, and my biological father finally answered me back. I shall explain, seeing as I only said (in the post before) that I sent him a friend request. I actually sent along a message, as well.  Well, I guess this will be a continuation of that. I'll try not to write a book. Ha ha. I'm blogging and I'm supposed to be doing homework.

So, along with the friend request I also sent a message. This was December 13, 2011. The message stated exactly. (Some names had to be changed/blocked out for legal purposes).. "Hello. Best off, forgive my mother for whatever she may have said to you. I believe you are my biological father. My name is Natazha Castro, and I'm 19 years old. I'm not even sure if you're going to get this or even see it. Obviously, whatever happened between you and my mother didn't turn out quite well. There are 3 sides to this story: my mom's, yours (in which I'd like to know), and the truth. Since I have sought you out for so long it is well apparent that I desire a relationship with you. And despite my feelings of abandonment, which I can not deny, I choose to approach you without accusations. I'd like to get to know you, and talk to you. The situation has left me with many questions that I feel need your help to answer. Closure is what I seek, if a relationship can not happen. I know it is claimed I once saw you when I was much younger, but I do not remember such a thing ever occurring. Now, that I am older I would like to try it again if you see it fit to do so, as well. I hope you get this message. And, even if you do not wish to speak with me, at least, give me an answer. I can handle a no. Thank you...". And, then--I waited. And, waited. I went on about my normal life not even expecting a reply or an answer. I don't like to get my hopes up for anything so my guard is never down. Well, on January 2, 2012 he answers back.

More or less the sequence of events went as this: I was out with my grandmum at her work. (She is a cosmetologist.) She was doing my hair. We were re-dyeing it. My roots were terrible, and school started again the next day. So, in the process of me waiting for my dye to finish processing my mother calls me, and asks if I had checked my Facebook yet. I hadn't. I asked her why, thinking someone may have passed away..I had completely forgotten about the message. She tells me he (my father) has answered her back. My mother had sent him a message, as well. He had given her his number, and she suggested I call. By now, I'm still not even phased by it. And, as the day goes by--nothing. Not so much as a blink of the eye. It still hasn't phased me.

So, my grandmother and I finish my hair, run a few errands, and head home. We get home, and my mother says that my father wants me to call, and talk with him at 7pm. It was only 5:30pm when we got home. So I called Alex and talked to him about it, he wished me luck, we talked a bit about our what nots, I hung out with my neighbour, had a burger, and so quickly--it was 7pm. I get the number, grab my house phone, and call. Obviously, for support, I update Facebook about this again, seeing as I updated it before when I originally found him. My friends are all so wonderful. They are the ones who helped me decide how I even wanted to go about what I would say, how I would say it, and if I should even send that message. And even as the phone is ringing it still hasn't quite rang my ears that this was happening. Even as we are talking, and he's raving about how grown I am and how he's so grateful we found each other, reality hasn't set in. I requested that said "closure" story is held off until we meet face-to-face. He agrees, but again--reality hadn't kicked me in the face yet. I don't think it will until I finally see him. I don't know how I feel about all of this, yet. The lack of the reality of it all has made me quite numb about it. Not angry, not sad, not happy, excited--numb. Nothing.

So we talked. Just making general small talk, it was getting late, and although I don't necessarily get tired around that time, he was. I understood. What was told to me of how trying his days had been lately, I understood. So he arranged what times would be good for me to talk, and said goodnight. My mother asked me how I felt afterward, and I had to explain that I still don't really feel anything. This man is a stranger to me. My guard is up so I treat him as I would any other stranger that my mother knows, but I still have to readily identify that he is my father, and have respect. Just as he has to mind that I am grown, as well. So to you, father, forgive me if I seem stand-off ish. I'm sure you know well enough to understand why. Being that I am older now this must be treated as a whole new thing.

Yesterday I went to school. He called to say goodnight, and we talked a bit. I don't know how long I want to keep that up, though. I don't know if I'll want a break from talking to him to see if my mind is ready to take it in, yet. But honestly, I still don't know how I feel about it all. Let's see how tonight goes. So far, I'm trying to stay optimistic about it all. My mind is pretty open to it. I'm just trying to figure it out for the rest of me. I hope that's not offensive, but considering the circumstances, let's hope that I don't decide I'm better off without him. What I had to explain to my mum, and myself about why I may not be feeling anything as of now, is that.. I got used to not having him in my life. I found Alex, who in a way, is a father figure to me. But for my real father-- even though I'm an adult now, I'm not sure taking him back into my life would be good for me. It's not necessarily the scenario of "what if he leaves again" or "what if I'm not ready?"..No, it's about "do I need him now? Do I really need a father figure now? And, what happens to him after I get the closure I wanted for so long?"... My sole purpose of finding him was for closure. And what I'm thinking might happen is when I get that closure, what would I do with the person that has finally given me the information I wanted? I can't just throw him away. I said I wanted a relationship with him, but how would I react to this new found person of authority trying to be a part of my life again when neither one of them (my mother or father) played their roles properly? Now that I'm grown--how? How do you do that without some kind of negative reaction? How does one enter forbidden territory, and not somehow offend the meaning of "forbidden"? How does one even go about adjusting?

Really, I'm going to just leave this one up to GOD, and hope that everything turns out for the better.