This movie has gotten my brain going. I miss these sober surges of intellectual energy. When I was doing cocaine it was great for a while. I had something to numb the pain. And, then I found myself not being able to gather what I did in the last 5 hours. I'm already Schizophrenic. Cocaine just enhanced it. Now that I am sober it's sort of the same, but certain little things set me off into the land of nostalgia. A certain smell can bring back a memory. Or a taste, or something I see can make me re-live a moment as if I were in it all over again. I need this intellectual stimulation. To Alexander-- I'm sorry. He doesn't really do that for me. With him it's more fun and games, though we have our moments of deep conversations. They don't really last. I can't be mad at him so much, though. That boy is smart. I know he is. He has proved it to me many times.But,right now I feel like I'm going at a million miles an hour. I feel like my fingers are moving endlessly. As if my words couldn't come out fast enough. My mind is moving quicker than my fingers can type. Though I type fairly quick. I can't type as fast when I'm trying to form my thoughts into words. This feeling, though. it's frustrating, and exciting all at once. It's like I'm no longer at a stand still with words or thoughts. Everything is so fluid. I wish there were a drug that could do this. Something that could tap into the part of your mind that you "supposedly" don't use. You should know. That 10% of our brain being unused. Which leads me to this movie called The Limitless. It's about a drug that does exactly that. And although I'm in the middle of the movie, (it's been on pause for the last hour..), I didn't know what else to do, but to get this out. I sat for a moment after I paused the movie trying to process what I had just watched. And, then---it clicked. Something in my mind just exploded.
Some fellow Schizophrenics believe we walk the line of reality and fantasy constantly. That we are sensitive to this other world/dimension. Even spirits. I believe it to a very short extent. I realize now that I've only been typing this for just about 8 minutes. It feels like a lifetime, but yet, I'm moving faster than ever...I think. I can't believe it, really. I almost don't feel like myself. I feel....like a new born taking everything in like I've seen it for the first time in my life. I can see more clearly, my thoughts are more organized, I smell things I never smelled in the air before, I hear the wind blowing outside of my closed window...I don't know if this is real or if I'm hallucinating about crisper senses. I almost feel high. I know this will come crashing down--and hard. I just wonder where and what it has sparked from. I'll blame it on the movie for now but, for some reason I feel like this has happened to me before. This feeling is familiar.
