Me: Sigh. I swear on my life I look at some people and I immediately want to fucking kill myself.
Alex: Why?
Me: I don't have to say it anymore...
Alex: Sigh.
Me: Everyone is fucking lying to me.
Alex: I'm not, baby.
Me: You're in love. Your eyes are different...
Alex: Even before I was in love...
Me: I'll text you back later...
Alex: Baby...please... Talk it out with me.
Me: I can't. I'm not thinking straight right now, because as far as I know--you're lying to me.
Alex: Baby, I'm not lying. I promise you. You are so beautiful. I promise.
Me: ...don't..
Alex: No, I do. I promise on everything. You are more than beautiful.
Me: You are...
Alex: I am what?
Me: In love.
Alex: I am in love... But still..
Me: ...
Alex: Baby, trust me.
--And, I pretty much didn't respond after that. I hope this explains it. He tries, and I respect him so much for that. He tries to help me when I'm "having an episode". I dig these holes for myself, and it's so hard to climb out. But I see him reaching out for me--his hand is extended out to me... He's pulled me out a few times. I'm scared he'll get tired of trying to help, though. I can say this so many times, but I'm glad he understands that I can't help it sometimes.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
So I said I would update...
SO let's go. <--- (Watching way too much Zohan :p)..
I'll start this with my birthday, and take it one day at a time. I'll try to fit it in one post, but maybe--maybe not.
January 21, 2012 was a busy day. I don't like parties so we didn't have one. I don't like cake so we didn't do one, and the Happy Birthday song gives me panic attacks, and makes me cry. I haven't a clue as to why, but I will figure it out someday. Usually, we go out to dinner, but it was different that day. My grandmum was going on a cruise with her friend and my god-mother, whose birthday was also that day, and we had to drive out to Long Beach visit/drop my grandmum off. But in the waiting days before my birthday, my brother's ex-fiancee' called, and asked if we could make it to her kids' birthday party, which was also that day--which was also the day we had planned to see my dad, as well. I'm frustrated. I could tell how that day was going to go before it even happened, and I knew I wasn't going to be happy with it. Now, I thought we were getting off good, because his ex-fiancee' called, and said it was cancelled. The weather was predicted to be stormy that day, which I was completely fine with. I love the rain. So let's fast-forward to the day. We wake up, and get dressed. I have to wake up earlier considering I like to take my time. I was told we were supposed to leave by noon, and time passes, my grandmum calls says she's working a few more hours. We don't leave until around 3pm, which means less time at each event. We're not doing ANYTHING that I want to do aside from seeing my dad, but I had so many mixed emotions about it...you know how that goes. Anyway...
So we head out, and on the way there we decide we'd go to his ex-fiancee's first to just show up. She lived closer on the way. My god-mother lives in Long Beach, my dad lives in Compton, and his ex-fiancee lives in La Mirada. They're all fairly close to each other, but La Mirada came first so we stopped by, and said hello. We managed to convince her to have the party anyway, because when we got there it was bright and sunny. We stayed for a few more minutes, and left to head off to my god-mum's to stay a spell there, wish her a Happy Birthday, and drop my grandmum off--and after we'd go back right before we leave to meet my dad. So we get to Long Beach, grab a card and a few snacks to bring to her get-together, and arrive to her condo. The party itself is a story on it's own. Ha ha. We ended up staying for a hours, rather. While we were at the party/visiting my dad calls, and says he had planned a movie with his other daughter. I understood seeing as we were late leaving, which meant we were late to meet up with him, and no one notified him that we were late or even going to be late. He probably thought we weren't coming. So we arranged to meet after the movie, and we spent more time at my god-mum's. I have a little separation anxiety with my grandmum so I liked the fact that I got spend more time with my her before we had to leave seeing as she would be gone for 8 days.
So we leave, unfortunately. But we all got a good buzz before we left. Except for my mum who was driving. Ha ha. We made it back to his ex-fiancee's house just in time to do the cake, and we sat more than just a few hours. I'm pretty aggravated by this point. I don't mind the kids, and visiting with her. We grew up with her, and her family. We are all really close, but I now have less time with my dad, and I'm already tired. The process of going ANYWHERE with my mum/family is entirely frustrating mixed with some really funny moments. So we finally leave, and arrive in Compton. I'm not going to explain why we had to pull over, and wait for him to meet us. I will say he was having a little issue, and he didn't want me near the problem. I respect that. We met him, picked him up, and looked for a place that was open for us to go eat and talk. It was around 10pm by then, and in Compton--almost nothing is open 24 hours. What a shock? I thought where I live was bad, but I guess the city of Compton is worse. Everything closed at around 11pm. We drove around for a while, but finally we found a Fat Burger's which was open. :} I had never had Fat Burger, so of course, my fat ass said "this is the place where we shall dine as kings and queens.".. I'm a weirdo. I know. ;]
So we eat, and talk. It went well. Lots of serious conversation. It was actually very fast-paced. Well, he was. I had to give him the benefit-of-the-doubt with trying to fit a whole 20 years worth of time we've missed with each other into a little less than an hour. We headed back to his place, and sat a spell. He showed me some business ideas of his, and then we had to leave. It was getting really late, and we decided to head out before my mum was too tired to drive. That day was fairly alright. I remember the food quite well. xD So good. I can't wait to see my dad again. We've been talking on the phone since then. It's good. We're slowly catching up/getting to know each other.
Since then the weeks consisted of birthdays, and lots of them. My neighbours, and friends. Lots of arguing between why I didn't get any gifts for my birthday, but everyone got hundreds of dollars worth of things, and a party. Even though I said I didn't want a party--it didn't mean I didn't want gifts.
This post is already an essay long. So I'll leave you with this. Shortly after all of that I began a liquid diet. I'll explain that later on. And, that's how my birthday went. :} Thanks for reading all the way--if you did.
I'll start this with my birthday, and take it one day at a time. I'll try to fit it in one post, but maybe--maybe not.
January 21, 2012 was a busy day. I don't like parties so we didn't have one. I don't like cake so we didn't do one, and the Happy Birthday song gives me panic attacks, and makes me cry. I haven't a clue as to why, but I will figure it out someday. Usually, we go out to dinner, but it was different that day. My grandmum was going on a cruise with her friend and my god-mother, whose birthday was also that day, and we had to drive out to Long Beach visit/drop my grandmum off. But in the waiting days before my birthday, my brother's ex-fiancee' called, and asked if we could make it to her kids' birthday party, which was also that day--which was also the day we had planned to see my dad, as well. I'm frustrated. I could tell how that day was going to go before it even happened, and I knew I wasn't going to be happy with it. Now, I thought we were getting off good, because his ex-fiancee' called, and said it was cancelled. The weather was predicted to be stormy that day, which I was completely fine with. I love the rain. So let's fast-forward to the day. We wake up, and get dressed. I have to wake up earlier considering I like to take my time. I was told we were supposed to leave by noon, and time passes, my grandmum calls says she's working a few more hours. We don't leave until around 3pm, which means less time at each event. We're not doing ANYTHING that I want to do aside from seeing my dad, but I had so many mixed emotions about it...you know how that goes. Anyway...
So we head out, and on the way there we decide we'd go to his ex-fiancee's first to just show up. She lived closer on the way. My god-mother lives in Long Beach, my dad lives in Compton, and his ex-fiancee lives in La Mirada. They're all fairly close to each other, but La Mirada came first so we stopped by, and said hello. We managed to convince her to have the party anyway, because when we got there it was bright and sunny. We stayed for a few more minutes, and left to head off to my god-mum's to stay a spell there, wish her a Happy Birthday, and drop my grandmum off--and after we'd go back right before we leave to meet my dad. So we get to Long Beach, grab a card and a few snacks to bring to her get-together, and arrive to her condo. The party itself is a story on it's own. Ha ha. We ended up staying for a hours, rather. While we were at the party/visiting my dad calls, and says he had planned a movie with his other daughter. I understood seeing as we were late leaving, which meant we were late to meet up with him, and no one notified him that we were late or even going to be late. He probably thought we weren't coming. So we arranged to meet after the movie, and we spent more time at my god-mum's. I have a little separation anxiety with my grandmum so I liked the fact that I got spend more time with my her before we had to leave seeing as she would be gone for 8 days.
So we leave, unfortunately. But we all got a good buzz before we left. Except for my mum who was driving. Ha ha. We made it back to his ex-fiancee's house just in time to do the cake, and we sat more than just a few hours. I'm pretty aggravated by this point. I don't mind the kids, and visiting with her. We grew up with her, and her family. We are all really close, but I now have less time with my dad, and I'm already tired. The process of going ANYWHERE with my mum/family is entirely frustrating mixed with some really funny moments. So we finally leave, and arrive in Compton. I'm not going to explain why we had to pull over, and wait for him to meet us. I will say he was having a little issue, and he didn't want me near the problem. I respect that. We met him, picked him up, and looked for a place that was open for us to go eat and talk. It was around 10pm by then, and in Compton--almost nothing is open 24 hours. What a shock? I thought where I live was bad, but I guess the city of Compton is worse. Everything closed at around 11pm. We drove around for a while, but finally we found a Fat Burger's which was open. :} I had never had Fat Burger, so of course, my fat ass said "this is the place where we shall dine as kings and queens.".. I'm a weirdo. I know. ;]
So we eat, and talk. It went well. Lots of serious conversation. It was actually very fast-paced. Well, he was. I had to give him the benefit-of-the-doubt with trying to fit a whole 20 years worth of time we've missed with each other into a little less than an hour. We headed back to his place, and sat a spell. He showed me some business ideas of his, and then we had to leave. It was getting really late, and we decided to head out before my mum was too tired to drive. That day was fairly alright. I remember the food quite well. xD So good. I can't wait to see my dad again. We've been talking on the phone since then. It's good. We're slowly catching up/getting to know each other.
Since then the weeks consisted of birthdays, and lots of them. My neighbours, and friends. Lots of arguing between why I didn't get any gifts for my birthday, but everyone got hundreds of dollars worth of things, and a party. Even though I said I didn't want a party--it didn't mean I didn't want gifts.
This post is already an essay long. So I'll leave you with this. Shortly after all of that I began a liquid diet. I'll explain that later on. And, that's how my birthday went. :} Thanks for reading all the way--if you did.
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