Well, hello. I have so much to update on. Best off, Happy late new year. I got to bring it in with Alexander and my family. Even though he couldn't stay long, it was nice, and I finally got that New Year's Kiss. Not so intensely, though, seeing as I'm a little strict on public displays of affection. Well, the new year has not done me wrong..yet. Although I didn't accomplish all I wanted to accomplish--I'm still grateful for what I've overcome. I don't quite have a new life, yet. But, I've come far from the old one. Alex and I made it year 2, I got a new pair of boots, I'm almost done with school, my birthday is approaching, and my biological father finally answered me back. I shall explain, seeing as I only said (in the post before) that I sent him a friend request. I actually sent along a message, as well. Well, I guess this will be a continuation of that. I'll try not to write a book. Ha ha. I'm blogging and I'm supposed to be doing homework.
So, along with the friend request I also sent a message. This was December 13, 2011. The message stated exactly. (Some names had to be changed/blocked out for legal purposes).. "Hello. Best off, forgive my mother for whatever she may have said to you. I believe you are my biological father. My name is Natazha Castro, and I'm 19 years old. I'm not even sure if you're going to get this or even see it. Obviously, whatever happened between you and my mother didn't turn out quite well. There are 3 sides to this story: my mom's, yours (in which I'd like to know), and the truth. Since I have sought you out for so long it is well apparent that I desire a relationship with you. And despite my feelings of abandonment, which I can not deny, I choose to approach you without accusations. I'd like to get to know you, and talk to you. The situation has left me with many questions that I feel need your help to answer. Closure is what I seek, if a relationship can not happen. I know it is claimed I once saw you when I was much younger, but I do not remember such a thing ever occurring. Now, that I am older I would like to try it again if you see it fit to do so, as well. I hope you get this message. And, even if you do not wish to speak with me, at least, give me an answer. I can handle a no. Thank you...". And, then--I waited. And, waited. I went on about my normal life not even expecting a reply or an answer. I don't like to get my hopes up for anything so my guard is never down. Well, on January 2, 2012 he answers back.
More or less the sequence of events went as this: I was out with my grandmum at her work. (She is a cosmetologist.) She was doing my hair. We were re-dyeing it. My roots were terrible, and school started again the next day. So, in the process of me waiting for my dye to finish processing my mother calls me, and asks if I had checked my Facebook yet. I hadn't. I asked her why, thinking someone may have passed away..I had completely forgotten about the message. She tells me he (my father) has answered her back. My mother had sent him a message, as well. He had given her his number, and she suggested I call. By now, I'm still not even phased by it. And, as the day goes by--nothing. Not so much as a blink of the eye. It still hasn't phased me.
So, my grandmother and I finish my hair, run a few errands, and head home. We get home, and my mother says that my father wants me to call, and talk with him at 7pm. It was only 5:30pm when we got home. So I called Alex and talked to him about it, he wished me luck, we talked a bit about our what nots, I hung out with my neighbour, had a burger, and so quickly--it was 7pm. I get the number, grab my house phone, and call. Obviously, for support, I update Facebook about this again, seeing as I updated it before when I originally found him. My friends are all so wonderful. They are the ones who helped me decide how I even wanted to go about what I would say, how I would say it, and if I should even send that message. And even as the phone is ringing it still hasn't quite rang my ears that this was happening. Even as we are talking, and he's raving about how grown I am and how he's so grateful we found each other, reality hasn't set in. I requested that said "closure" story is held off until we meet face-to-face. He agrees, but again--reality hadn't kicked me in the face yet. I don't think it will until I finally see him. I don't know how I feel about all of this, yet. The lack of the reality of it all has made me quite numb about it. Not angry, not sad, not happy, excited--numb. Nothing.
So we talked. Just making general small talk, it was getting late, and although I don't necessarily get tired around that time, he was. I understood. What was told to me of how trying his days had been lately, I understood. So he arranged what times would be good for me to talk, and said goodnight. My mother asked me how I felt afterward, and I had to explain that I still don't really feel anything. This man is a stranger to me. My guard is up so I treat him as I would any other stranger that my mother knows, but I still have to readily identify that he is my father, and have respect. Just as he has to mind that I am grown, as well. So to you, father, forgive me if I seem stand-off ish. I'm sure you know well enough to understand why. Being that I am older now this must be treated as a whole new thing.
Yesterday I went to school. He called to say goodnight, and we talked a bit. I don't know how long I want to keep that up, though. I don't know if I'll want a break from talking to him to see if my mind is ready to take it in, yet. But honestly, I still don't know how I feel about it all. Let's see how tonight goes. So far, I'm trying to stay optimistic about it all. My mind is pretty open to it. I'm just trying to figure it out for the rest of me. I hope that's not offensive, but considering the circumstances, let's hope that I don't decide I'm better off without him. What I had to explain to my mum, and myself about why I may not be feeling anything as of now, is that.. I got used to not having him in my life. I found Alex, who in a way, is a father figure to me. But for my real father-- even though I'm an adult now, I'm not sure taking him back into my life would be good for me. It's not necessarily the scenario of "what if he leaves again" or "what if I'm not ready?"..No, it's about "do I need him now? Do I really need a father figure now? And, what happens to him after I get the closure I wanted for so long?"... My sole purpose of finding him was for closure. And what I'm thinking might happen is when I get that closure, what would I do with the person that has finally given me the information I wanted? I can't just throw him away. I said I wanted a relationship with him, but how would I react to this new found person of authority trying to be a part of my life again when neither one of them (my mother or father) played their roles properly? Now that I'm grown--how? How do you do that without some kind of negative reaction? How does one enter forbidden territory, and not somehow offend the meaning of "forbidden"? How does one even go about adjusting?
Really, I'm going to just leave this one up to GOD, and hope that everything turns out for the better.
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