Make it stop.

I can't fucking do this. I'm tired of life, tired of living, tired of trying to live a life I wasn't meant to have. I get to the point where I just want to turn it off. My emotions. I could...I could do it and not have any emotion enough to care. I could shut everyone out again. I could... It would be nice.

I don't think anyone hears me anymore. I could stop talking. I've been doing so well with it. If only Rian could hear me now. My mum wants me to shut the fuck up. She says I'm a sarcastic asshole. I am. Not that I'm necessarily proud. I am really clever.
It seems that I just can't win with this "life" bull-shit. If I don't talk then I'm being "selfish", and too quiet. It's not "fair" to anyone. Oh fucking well. No one even acts like they care anyway. And, when I do speak I won't shut the fuck up, apparently. I talk too much, and I say the wrong things. DID NO ONE CONSIDER THAT MAYBE THAT THOSE WERE THE VERY REASONS I DIDN'T TALK? Aside from having something inside of me compelling me to not speak. It's an awkward feeling, really. It feels like every time I'd get ready to say something I'd feel like I were going to have an anxiety attack.

What hurts more is my lack of the ability to identify what emotion is proper for certain situations. If someone dies it doesn't phase me. I don't cry much. I get sad, but it turns to anger. I'm angry for everything. If Alex brings me a pack of smokes--I'm angry. Mum gets me something from the store--I'm angry. My favourite show comes on--I'm angry. I'm just full of fucking rage, and I've been like that since I can recall. Anger is all I know. It was all I was used to feeling so whenever a new emotion comes along that I'm not familiar with I run from it, and immediately convert it to anger...even if I don't mean to do it. There's so much wrong with me. I just want to end it all. I just want the pain to go away.
Do I want to kill myself? Before, I would have said yes. Now,...I just want it to fucking stop.

ROTTEN PARASITE. YOU WILL NOT FEAST ON ME TODAY, CONQUEROR WORM!!!!!

...but, the anger consumes me like fire. And, my spirit is slowly devoured. Raped by the demons inside...