Oh, internet. How, I love you so? I have many accounts, many followers, and fans. You help me keep in touch with family, and friends. You let me take my frustrations out when I'm blogging. You let me watch whatever I want when I want, you tell me I'll need a jacket when I go out that evening, and you teach me all sorts of new and amazing things. I'm always learning something every day with you, dear internet. But, one thing you proved me wrong on was finding my father...until today.
Allow me to explain. Long story short--my mother raised me as a single mother. My grandmother took over for the areas when my mother couldn't be/wasn't there. You know some of the story if you've been reading through my blog. Anyway.. My father, however, never was there. At all. I have so much hurt and pain in my heart towards this man for obvious reasons, as well as, many other reasons, in which, I can not state just now. I'd be writing a novel of a list if I did. I had heard so many stories about this man, my father, and my conclusion of him was that he was not a very good person. (Which explains my nick-name.) I figured he must have been wrong for never claiming me as his daughter, and leaving my mother and I right after I was born. My rage towards him grew throughout the years of maturing and growing up. To this day, I'm still angry. It's something I can't deny. I forever have this feeling of "was I not good enough to be your daughter?" just hovering over my every thought.
For years my mother and I searched. After a few years of looking just to please me, my mum gave up. I kept searching. Of course I wanted to find him. I wanted to give him a piece of my mind. How dare he leave? They weren't young, he had ample money to support my mum and I...How dare he? And, as years passed I slowly began to accept that I might never find this man. My mother had nearly instilled the thought that he might be in jail or dead in my mind. I didn't let it stop me, but surely, it slowed me down. Whatever he and my mum went through, she did not want to remember, so other details I could use to find him were lost somewhere in the back of her mind. All I had was a first name and a last name. My methods of searching were very thorough and varied, of course. I even did a legal search. What do I get? Nothing. No results. I gave up for a while. Well, I took a break, and put my mind to better things. I slowly got my mind and life back on the right track, and even got engaged. And, although I was happy, and I'd be marrying the man I love, there was this slight pain in my heart that my father wouldn't be there to walk his little girl down the aisle. Instead, it'd be my mother doing HIS job (or possibly my twin brothers).
With all of the "legal/family" searching I did, I also decided to try my hand in fate on many social networking websites. All in which I never found him. I used various spellings of his name, and no luck. I'd look again on every site every 2 months in hopes he might have made an account or something. Again, no luck. And finally, with no intention of looking for him, I come across a "_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _". Originally, I was browsing through Facebook for an old friend from middle school. I see this name, and I click on it out of curiosity. And when I saw the picture, obviously, the man didn't look familiar at all. Mind you, I'm looking for a man I've never seen or met in my life. Well, technically, I met him one time when I was younger. Around the age of 6. But, I was young. And no offense to him, obviously, he didn't make a good enough impression, regardless of how interested I may have seemed as a child. I was a CHILD. I was like a puppy who would go toward any man who gave me affection as a father would. It probably didn't occur to me that he was actually my father, and not one of my mum's boyfriend's who served as a father figure for a while, and would suddenly disappear. And, well--my memories of my childhood are non-existent. I have a hard time recollecting any of it. But, anyway-- that little voice in my mind said "Don't skip over this profile. Look through it."...So I look. I click on the albums and see something that looked familiar. Something clicks. I remember my mother showing me this really withered and old looking picture of my supposed father and the famous, late rapper Tupac. This was about 14 years ago. I had to be about 5 years old. I remember her telling me he worked for a famous radio station out here in California. Fate was against me. The part of the picture where he was--was frayed. Well, after that small walk down memory lane, I came back to reality and looked through his information to possibly confirm some theories of this man being my father. His occupations tell me he worked at said radio station, so I go back to that familiar picture I saw, and with heart racing, and trembling hands I bring my laptop into my mum's room, and wake her up... I knew. I could just feel it in my heart that this was my father. And all of the words I could manage to scrape out was "Mom...I think I found my dad on Facebook".... I held my laptop out towards her, shaking and all, so she could have a look. And she looks up to me to confirm my fears, and I start to feel sick. Which leads to this very moment...
I'm in shock. I've always wondered what I would do or even say when the day would come along. And, of all the days I've looked, it happened when I wasn't looking anymore. Funny, I found love in that very same way. So, now I face the decision of what to do. It's been confirmed this is my father. What do I say now? What do I do? What SHOULD I do? How would I go about this? Do I send him a friend request saying "Hi, I'm your biological daughter whom you denied and abandoned 19 years ago."? Maybe that would scare him off. Or do I just send a friend request? SHOULD I even send one? I'm scared. And, I've never been so scared in my life. Not like this, not for a very long time.
...Well...I sent him a friend request. I didn't say anything. I'm just going to wait, and hope that he accepts. I've decided I won't be mean. I won't say what I really want to say, and GOD knows how much I want to say it. I just want to know him...for now. Maybe he can redeem himself...maybe.
This is intense. And, I have a feeling my whole world..is about to be flipped upside down...
No comments:
Post a Comment