E-mails to Rian...

Hello, Rian. I don't really know if you get these messages anymore or if I'm hallucinating about writing and sending them. Days just float by. Well, anyway, I'm... ok. I'm saying ok for many reasons, obviously. Saying one word, with my complexity, must have a story behind it. For lack of proper term to use for what's really going on, aside from battling my own demons day-by-day, I guess I could use "ok". I should be graduating soon. It was supposed to be the end of this month, but Christmas break set that back 2 weeks. So instead it should be mid-January. I'll try not to write a novel. I miss therapy with you. As much as I didn't want to say it before, but I miss it. You understood me without me having to say much of anything. Even when I wouldn't talk, at all, you still knew. Strange, really. This new therapy, however, isn't quite what I need. I go in, stare for a while, my meds are updated to date, and I leave. They don't care much, in my opinion. The wedding isn't off, but it won't be happening anytime soon. I'm struggling. I'm struggling with trying to get something stable for us, but also with him. He got me through the suicidal stage, for now. I still think about it sometimes, but that's it. I just think about it. I feel guilty, though... for him. He's choosing to spend the rest of his life with me and my demons. I don't want to burden him with that, but I love him, and as much as "they" say to leave-- I can't. I won't. Alex calls my hallucinations "having a moment". We're actually "in combat" as I type; Alex and I. We've been doing that a lot, lately. (I realize now that this is already just about two paragraphs long.) He says "every time this happens you talk all crazy then the next day you realize it's irrational". I'm just scared that maybe one day I'll never realize it was irrational or that I was wrong... I question why he stays. I'm just a rock, Rian. A heavy boulder tied to this man's leg, slowly dragging him down into misery. He's too kind for me. He says "Please. Don't think anymore about this. Trust me, okay? I'm here to help stop you from derailing everything. I wont' let you mess your life up". But, I'm tired, Rian. Tired of feeling, tired of emotions, tired of thinking I'm going to fail him and myself. He says "Know that as long as we are together you will chase your dreams. I'm not going to let your mind stop you from doing what you've wanted your whole life."...but, what if I cant do it? I'm fighting myself for everything now. My life, my sanity, myself, and now...love. And, I'm terrified. We share lives now, and I'm scared I'll fail.