Why am I here with her alone? You would think I'm talking about my mum, but no. Not this time. I'm sorry, grandma, but this morning started with "have a cup of coffee with me" to "why are you so tired, you don't do anything..", and all of the other discouragements you like to throw in my face like how I'm not looking for a job, I don't want to go back to school, I'm letting myself go.... Thank you for reminding me of how much of a failure I am. I really don't need you to tell me. I know. I don't think I can even handle a job, and full-time school at the same time. I couldn't even handle high-school. I loved being home-schooled. You suggest online classes, but I failed every last one of them, because I need the one-on-one. You forget I'm Schizophrenic, and think it's an act. I know you're older, and don't really understand, but I'm still struggling with it, and yet--I have to act like everything is okay.  Ya, whatever.... I know you're just looking out for me, and all, but the way you say these things don't make me feel so great.

These hands...

These hands were meant to create, but all they seem to do is destroy...

I'm tired.

And, how much more could I say after that? It speaks for itself. Honestly, I am just tired again. Tired of everything. Tired of the world, and what it's (we've) become, tired of not being able to see the beauty in myself, tired of being underestimated, tired of being so small and frail, tired of never feeling the way I should, tired of never committing to something, tired of never making something happen for myself.... And, it's not like I don't want things or I don't have drive enough. Maybe it is. I have so little motivation to finish things. I don't believe I've ever finished what I started. Ever in my whole lifetime. I'm tired of it all. Only GOD can save me. But only I can make the choice to be saved..

It's been a long while, and the stress is decomposing me...

It's been 2 months since, I last posted. I've been so stress. Since around February everything has been going wrong. I still don't have the time to type it out, but this time I'll leave you with the lovely words of my friend Sabrina. We were discussing a dream, and she spoke of rain to me. :} It hadn't rained in a while. I live in the valley of California, and we rarely get rain. Amazingly, it's raining today, but this was about 2 weeks ago.

"Haa
last night i dreampt pf rain
some drops i kept under my tongue
and the rest i drank through my skin
i thought it a good place as any
to lay and rest
on the ground so clean and sterile
there was even a drain to match
it'd all be washed away when the hounds came for me at night."

This woman just uncontrollably speaks these vivid metaphors to me. I love you little miss.

Conversations with Alexander: Loving Me and My Demons Pt. II

Me: Sigh. I swear on my life I look at some people and I immediately want to fucking kill myself.

Alex: Why?

Me: I don't have to say it anymore...

Alex: Sigh.

Me: Everyone is fucking lying to me.

Alex: I'm not, baby.

Me: You're in love. Your eyes are different...

Alex: Even before I was in love...

Me: I'll text you back later...

Alex: Baby...please... Talk it out with me.

Me: I can't. I'm not thinking straight right now, because as far as I know--you're lying to me.

Alex: Baby, I'm not lying. I promise you. You are so beautiful. I promise.

Me: ...don't..

Alex: No, I do. I promise on everything. You are more than beautiful.

Me: You are...

Alex: I am what?

Me: In love.

Alex: I am in love... But still..

Me: ...

Alex: Baby, trust me.

--And, I pretty much didn't respond after that. I hope this explains it. He tries, and I respect him so much for that. He tries to help me when I'm "having an episode". I dig these holes for myself, and it's so hard to climb out. But I see him reaching out for me--his hand is extended out to me... He's pulled me out a few times. I'm scared he'll get tired of trying to help, though. I can say this so many times, but I'm glad he understands that I can't help it sometimes.

So I said I would update...

SO let's go. <--- (Watching way too much Zohan :p)..

I'll start this with my birthday, and take it one day at a time. I'll try to fit it in one post, but maybe--maybe not.

January 21, 2012 was a busy day. I don't like parties so we didn't have one. I don't like cake so we didn't do one, and the Happy Birthday song gives me panic attacks, and makes me cry. I haven't a clue as to why, but I will figure it out someday. Usually, we go out to dinner, but it was different that day. My grandmum was going on a cruise with her friend and my god-mother, whose birthday was also that day, and we had to drive out to Long Beach visit/drop my grandmum off. But in the waiting days before my birthday, my brother's ex-fiancee' called, and asked if we could make it to her kids' birthday party, which was also that day--which was also the day we had planned to see my dad, as well. I'm frustrated. I could tell how that day was going to go before it even happened, and I knew I wasn't going to be happy with it. Now, I thought we were getting off good, because his ex-fiancee' called, and said it was cancelled. The weather was predicted to be stormy that day, which I was completely fine with. I love the rain. So let's fast-forward to the day. We wake up, and get dressed. I have to wake up earlier considering I like to take my time. I was told we were supposed to leave by noon, and time passes, my grandmum calls says she's working a few more hours. We don't leave until around 3pm, which means less time at each event. We're not doing ANYTHING that I want to do aside from seeing my dad, but I had so many mixed emotions about it...you know how that goes. Anyway...

So we head out, and on the way there we decide we'd go to his ex-fiancee's first to just show up. She lived closer on the way. My god-mother lives in Long Beach, my dad lives in Compton, and his ex-fiancee lives in La Mirada. They're all fairly close to each other, but La Mirada came first so we stopped by, and said hello. We managed to convince her to have the party anyway, because when we got there it was bright and sunny. We stayed for a few more minutes, and left to head off to my god-mum's to stay a spell there, wish her a Happy Birthday, and drop my grandmum off--and after we'd go back right before we leave to meet my dad. So we get to Long Beach, grab a card and a few snacks to bring to her get-together, and arrive to her condo. The party itself is a story on it's own. Ha ha. We ended up staying for a hours, rather. While we were at the party/visiting my dad calls, and says he had planned a movie with his other daughter. I understood seeing as we were late leaving, which meant we were late to meet up with him, and no one notified him that we were late or even going to be late. He probably thought we weren't coming. So we arranged to meet after the movie, and we spent more time at my god-mum's. I have a little separation anxiety with my grandmum so I liked the fact that I got spend more time with my her before we had to leave seeing as she would be gone for 8 days.

So we leave, unfortunately. But we all got a good buzz before we left. Except for my mum who was driving. Ha ha. We made it back to his ex-fiancee's house just in time to do the cake, and we sat more than just a few hours. I'm pretty aggravated by this point. I don't mind the kids, and visiting with her. We grew up with her, and her family. We are all really close, but I now have less time with my dad, and I'm already tired. The process of going ANYWHERE with my mum/family is entirely frustrating mixed with some really funny moments. So we finally leave, and arrive in Compton. I'm not going to explain why we had to pull over, and wait for him to meet us. I will say he was having a little issue, and he didn't want me near the problem. I respect that. We met him, picked him up, and looked for a place that was open for us to go eat and talk. It was around 10pm by then, and in Compton--almost nothing is open 24 hours. What a shock? I thought where I live was bad, but I guess the city of Compton is worse. Everything closed at around 11pm. We drove around for a while, but finally we found a Fat Burger's which was open. :} I had never had Fat Burger, so of course, my fat ass said "this is the place where we shall dine as kings and queens.".. I'm a weirdo. I know. ;]

So we eat, and talk. It went well. Lots of serious conversation. It was actually very fast-paced. Well, he was. I had to give him the benefit-of-the-doubt with trying to fit a whole 20 years worth of time we've missed with each other into a little less than an hour. We headed back to his place, and sat a spell. He showed me some business ideas of his, and then we had to leave. It was getting really late, and we decided to head out before my mum was too tired to drive. That day was fairly alright. I remember the food quite well. xD So good. I can't wait to see my dad again. We've been talking on the phone since then. It's good. We're slowly catching up/getting to know each other.

Since then the weeks consisted of birthdays, and lots of them. My neighbours, and friends.   Lots of arguing between why I didn't get any gifts for my birthday, but everyone got hundreds of dollars worth of things, and a party. Even though I said I didn't want a party--it didn't mean I didn't want gifts.

This post is already an essay long. So I'll leave you with this. Shortly after all of that I began a liquid diet. I'll explain that later on. And, that's how my birthday went. :} Thanks for reading all the way--if you did.

Words free-falling from her mentality like an immortal waterfall, like stars falling from her paradise of strange, horrid beauty.
She remains contradiction in her own world.

Happy Birthday, Alexander.

I swear I will make an update post sometime later on. I have just been so busy. I don't have time to sit and think about what I'm going to post for the day. So...

Happy Birthday, my love. I miss you so much. You just left my house, and I hope you enjoyed today on our mini-date. Ha ha.

I couldn't really do much. I don't have a job, and am technically, spending my birthday money on you. I took you to the mall..well, you drove. Ha ha. We took our annual pictures, bought you your favourite pack of cigarettes, and Taco Bell--your favourite burrito. :} It's so strange to remember that I'm older than you, and although it's only by 8 days, you give me the chance to act my age. It's a blessing in my opinion. I'm a little too grown to be only 20 years old. I've never acted my age. You make me goofy, and silly, and childish. It bothers me when I think about it, but honestly, it's fun. I've never felt so...alive. How cliche'? But it is so true. I feel things with you. It's nice to feel. I'm glad you made it another year of your life. With how much you've been through--losing your mum, dealing with situations at home..you could have gotten depressed and committed suicide or went to jail. You could have not cared. I'm so proud of you, my love. I could have never met you, but I'm so grateful that I did. I'm grateful for you.

Happy Anniversary, Alexander... Well, to be exact--Anniversary of our first kiss. Who would have known it'd end up like this? It was only a kiss.. We've had a great journey these two years we've been together. I see couples breaking up every other day, and we have only broken up one time. Yet we remain strong. Thank you for staying by my side. Thank you, because "for better or for worse. In sickness and in health"...I'm glad you live up to those words. Thank you for so much. You've saved my life on many occasions. I couldn't thank you enough for all you've done for me. I would grad this on, but all I ask you to do for me now... Will you hurry up and marry me? :}! I hope you had a nice day today, my handsome. I tried, and hopefully, I can make it up to you next weekend with dinner. I love, and adore you. I'll show this to you one day. I wish I could put my feelings down better. I wish I knew how to tell you how much I love you.

May every year bring you great things, and every year bring us great things. We can only hope, right? Tee hee.

Somewhere on the dark, abysmal depth of my soul...happiness exists.
Armoured with a mentality meant to kill...I am your mighty assassin.
I will find the beauty in you only to destroy you.
Call upon my name.
Destroyer.
Whisper it to the heavens.


And to the heavens she screams "THIS IS WHERE I SHALL BE KING!"

My spirits have been down, and I've been taking it out on him... I'm so bad at this--being happy. Oh, save me... I don't want to go back in my grave..my hole...my..darkness.

And, it's my mind that scares me.
And, it's my mind that hurts me.
And, it's my mind that controls me.
And, it's my mind that takes over.
And, it's my mind that deceives me.
But, it's my heart that makes me need you.
And, my soul that makes me love you.

Suicide In the Enchanted Meadows.

I have been listening to this fairytale song for a lifetime.
Over and over I sing away my troubles but, when the song ends...
I feel so lost.
So hollow.
My colours may never show.
It's the leaves that cover here.
And, the trees...they make the oceans dry with their weeping sorrow.
I walk along this moonlit pathway of broken melodies.
I've only hurt myself.
Made of broken branches...I was the weeping willow that shared its cries in the wind.
No longer the person hanging from its withered hands.

Mi primer amor: Sandra.

I stood on a ledge, vowed eternity in hell, willing to spend every FUCKING BURNING DAY OF A THOUSAND SUNS IN HELL...JUST to love you.

And, I did. I loved you fully, completely, with my every being. We ended on such bad terms, none of which was my fault, but I let you go just to see you be happy. It hurt. I can't lie. It hurt me for years. Even when I was with another woman I couldn't be happy. All I thought of was you, although, I enjoyed my times with her, as well. But with every sorrow comes happiness--which later on in life I met Alex. I have to thank you for that. I owe you my ability to love. You showed me that I could love and be loved back when I thought I could never do it. And then he came along. Moving on from you was a journey. I couldn't talk to you, see you, or even think of you without my heart cringing in pain. But I'm glad we're on better terms now after years of hostility and avoiding you because of the pain. I found happiness again, and I'm glad you're still my best friend. You're sweet. I wish I could explain our story better, but for now I'll say--I owe you a lot. :} Thank you. Thank GOD.